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Dec. 24th, 2011

Calvin Pouts

Dear Holidaze.

I hate you, Holidaze. I hate you with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. I hate how you make it glaringly obvious that my family unit has fallen the fuck apart. This year you take the cake, though, Holidaze--you fucker. I hate your stupid, cheery, loving face.



Jul. 25th, 2011


I'm writing this because no one is reading.

Making friends is hard. I'm super anxious about it. I never feel like I'm doing it right. And right now I could use some friends. Some really good friends who are doing great and feeling wonderful, who would come over and hold me and get me drunk--or high. Or just one. Who would make me laugh when I'm crying and who would invite me on a long weekend and treat me to a massage because they know how awful I've been feeling. And they know because they let me unbosom for an hour one night. And they stroked my temple. And kissed my cheek. And called me up if they haven't heard from me in a few days.

The couple of friends that I have cannot do that for me. Mostly, because I won't let them. I mean, they have their own stuff going on and I'd like not to add to their stress levels by being needy.

Except  . . . I need. So bad.

Making friends is hard and long and lonely.

Jun. 22nd, 2010


le sigh

I just thought of something.

I am rapidly approaching 32 and my salary is still smaller than my age and my european shoe size.



May. 27th, 2010


Can I take it back, please?

Yesterday, I told my mother that I'm bi and in an open relationship. Just saying that gives me the heebs. She didn't cry or ask what she had done wrong as a mother . . . but she didn't seem to care that much either. She was like, "However you choose to live your life is fine with me." (Of course, I mentioned that it's not a choice and is something that I've struggled with for years and that I was telling her in an effort to live my life as honestly as possible.) No reaction. She just moved the conversation along like usual. 

That's good, right?


Well, why am I having such anxiety about it then, smarty pants? Hmm?


May. 22nd, 2010


Hey, when am I going to see you in church???


Church is so stupid. Church people make me crazy.

I haven't been with him for 3 years but he still gets to be called my husband??? Why are you praying for us to be reconciled??? He was a shitty husband! Did I imagine being over him? Is my boyfriend of two years a figment of that very same imagination?  Am I not in serious lust with two other people right now?  Also, I don't think you're smart.

You know what? I'm going to become a lesbian. That'll show 'em. Oh, wait, I'm bi . . . Eh, it'll do.

Apr. 4th, 2010


Confessions of an Invisible Girl

Sometimes, I don't want to talk to people. Or be bothered at all.

Sometimes, I unplug myself from life the way one unplugs appliances when going on a long vacation . . . or a 30 day stint in jail or something.

Sometimes, when I come back  . . . no one is there to greet me.

Sometimes, I wish I was different. I wish I was good at being a friend or a girlfriend or finishing things.

Sometimes, someone comes along who is so thick they don't realize I've broken up with them at least 3 times. That's what I've always needed--friends who are brilliant dumbasses . . . or seven.

Sometimes I lie. but only to people who don't want to hear the truth.

I think I'm better than most of the people who live in my community and I feel bad about it because it's not true. maybe.

I love life and people and sex and parties and making new friends but the actual meeting of people and doing of things (except sex) practically paralyzes me with fear.

Specifically, being in a room full of people who all know each other but not me is terrifying.

Reaching out to someone with whom I'd be really into being friends with is amazingly, ridiculously terrifying.

I can't even make friends on the motherfucking internet. I should be a fucking virtual social butterfly. What the fuck is wrong with me?

This is not my dark place.

I left my dark place back in 2005 and I shield my feelings so that I don't go there again. 

The thoughts I find really appalling are not here. Half this post is in my head. 

Fuck spell check.

Oct. 13th, 2009


I'm missing two things, right now.

1.) badlysocialized
2.) my hair . . . :(

I thought I'd be over the second one by now, but my new "hair" is itchy. :( again.

Sep. 19th, 2009


How did it get to be . . .


I haven't talked about love, yet!

Or relationships or actual people or anything important, really--except my bike. (Oh, did I say that I got it? 'Cause I totes did! It has a basket, but it also has a seat that chaps my big fat ass. Damn, I just depressed myself.) It's blue and I love it!

Anyway, I think I will ramble on about love right about now, thanks.

My cousin might be getting a divorce, but she also recently had the best sexual experience of her life. (All I have to say about that second part is: I need the number of that masseuse, please and thank you!) It seems as though, emotionally, she's in the same place I was a little over a year ago--bitter, angry, man hating, love hating, armed with the knowledge that great sex can be just and only that without the baggage of a long-term emotional attachment.

To that last part I say: Good for her! (Because apparently she didn't know sex could actually be pleasurable for a woman. Damn.) But to the rest I say: Aw. As much as I hated on marriage at her wedding last year (picture me screaming, "Don't do it!" and "Run away!") I still wanted them to prove me wrong and make it.


Now it seems we have switched places here. Don't get me wrong--I won't ever be a fan of traditional marriage, again. Most people have some seriously unrealistic expectations about what marriage is supposed to be. (Yeah, I'm talking to, cuz.) Mainly, they think everything is supposed to change because they signed a piece of paper. Suddenly, your mate will be more honest or less messy or more communicative or whatever. Suddenly, liberal minded people become bound by antiquated, sexist, misogynistic gender roles. What's right or fair about that? Hmm?

But I'm not completely jaded about love and relationships, either. My eyes are open. I know now that I don't have to be tethered to tradition. I can write the rules to my own game.

That other shit has nothing to do with me. Hopefully, in a year's time my cousin will realize that also.

Sep. 17th, 2009


You know how DEAD things freak me out a little?

Well, um, I found a dead mouse in my office this morning and I screamed. Like. A. Bitch.

Look, I'm not ashamed--it was dead. See subject title above.

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